Right now, I am listening to the song Hummingbird by Born Ruffians. I consider my life and how I came to be here at this moment, listening to this song, sitting in bed, wondering what exactly makes people fall in love, and I wonder if I will continue to contemplate my existence forever.

But people don't care about shit like that. I find that whenever I try to live with regard to everything I have been told, everything I have seen other people do, I fail miserably. I wonder what life would be like if I never met anyone else, if I would live any more freely than I already do now. I could say that I have spent my life effacing the subconscious institutions of humanity from my soul, although that would sound awful to anyone who wasn't me.

I get bored with people. People talk about things that I have nothing to say about. I am content to let people think nothing of me. It is preferable to having them think false things of me.

I am not always a nice person. Eventually, I get so caught up in life that I neglect to be aware of things and I fuck up badly. I forget to be kind to people, to reduce the the words that come out of my mouth. I forget people in the desire to sleep.

I mean, I'm a pretty crappy person. I don't do exciting things. My humor is obvious and mild. I generally dislike people. People never had much in them that I was interested in. Although it is probably of hubris to speak so vaguely, I wish that girls would not say "I don't know," but rather "Let us find out." I wish there were a girl who would tell me her drears for hours like in that one Sibylle Baier song. I want her to tell me things not because I am some salvation of the opposite sex, but that she wants something of me, wants to hear from me the echoes of humanity that tell her that I am real, that she wants someone who has attempted to construct something from these measly components of consciousness and desired in turn the same from her.

That said, I'd be really boring to any normal person. I'm probably looking for that one girl who was cute and always had the first answer to the teacher's questions because everyone else is just too slow. I want to put my thumbs in your palms and stare into your eyes and admire the bridge of your nose. Crazy shit like that. But the percentage of girls who are to be moved by mere words of wordly, subjective desire, within the percentage of girls near my age who actually go here, is probably really low. I am something utterly specific. There is something I know that lurks in front of the eyes of men that philosophers have called the sublime. I live my life in pursuit of it, that mode of life where we fall through the years at terminal velocity but at the end regret nothing. Every word I speak is a tribute to deftness. Or at least I try.

I do this for my own amusement now because I wait for the person who knows that I am what they want. Everyone else will just wonder what they have just read. They will say that I am 'interesting', not that I am 'necessary' or that I 'reverberate' or that 'the world has failed him as it has failed me'. They will not realize that this is who I am and that I have just presented myself to the person that will love me for it. If you are real, ask for my aim screen name in your email. And just realize now, that even if I love you, I will hate you forever.